Seiya and Usagi the darkest thoughts
by Kitsune1978
Summary: What does Seiya think of Usagi in the most secret, dark corner of his mind? And Usagi?


**Seiya and Usagi's the darkest thoughts**

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Seiya

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Here I am, staring at the window, being grateful for Taiki and Yaten's absence. My mind is wandering, my thoughts swinging in the wind. The glass is cold, helping me to control myself. But they are still here. Dark, gloomy reflections of that part of my soul I have never expected to exist.

I think I have drunk too much.

This is it, Odango. This is your fault. I have never loved someone that much and I don't know how to ease the pain of being rejected. This is the first experience of me being pushed away. Until now my feelings were always two-sided, I mean Kakyuu, Taiki and Yaten. We love each other and none of us suffered before. I have never expected that such a feeling of grief and sorrow is possible to bear.

You want us to be friends. How can we be friends after you have crushed my heart into pieces? Friend would never do that. Friend would comfort me and make me feel better. I believe that you wanted me to feel better and that's why you offered me your friendship. You know, it was like a slap in the face. Your friendship does not satisfy me. To be your friend means to be close to you, but not that close as I want to be.

My usual self accepts your offer and keeps loving and protecting you from a distance. That distance is so enormous to me. I keep on smiling, showing you only the feelings of little sadness and, of course, big, big friendship. I pretend we are still friends. Shit! That word makes me sick!

I always wanna get closer to you... and I am rejected every time. That effort to hide my true feelings has grown too large to bear. You don't speak much, but I can see it in your eyes: "Don't get closer, Seiya. Here is the border you can't overstep. Oh Seiya, too close. Get back to the place I set for you".

You are always compassionate, kind-hearted and gentle. That gentle person kills me inside! How could this be? You should tell me to go and never come back. Why don't you tell me not to see you again? Why don't you finish our relationship with one single cut? Why? Because you are too gentle.

Are you taking advantage of my love? Your boyfriend left you and went to USA. I believe he just dumped you, but you refuse to see the reality. You felt lonely and there was me, the one who you could find your comfort with. I hoped you forgot your boyfriend and fell for me. I really did. You seemed to be within the grasp.

But you weren't.

At last I realized the agonizing truth: you will never be mine. You played with my feelings even if you didn't mean to.

What if I didn't make myself stop? What if I overstepped the mark separating friendship from love? What if I left the place you set me in and followed my own will?

God, I had a chance. I could take advantage of your naivety. When we were at disco during my day off... I led you to that small room and closed the door. You blushed as if you could read my mind. I teased you but you'll never know how close it was to lose my self-control. Even now I can see your frightened face, frightened and... expecting? Waiting? Your face was red all over, but something burned in your eyes. I said: "Is it your first time? OK, I'll lead. I'm sure you'll enjoy it". And you didn't protest. Just your eyes extremely widened. You didn't say anything. Even if you did... the music was too loud outside, nobody would have heard your scream. Scream of fear... or ecstasy.

I could see you were still a virgin. Hmph, that so-called boyfriend of yours... Is he really a man? Leaving behind such a hot girl without touching her. I am a virgin too... but not in mind. Only in body. My innocence vanished because of you.

I didn't take that chance. Maybe I will regret it for the rest of my life.

After all that you seemed... disappointed? Having that in mind makes me sure there was a bit of disappointment in your eyes, although I've had too much of a storm inside to hold and I couldn't pay enough attention to you. I tried hardly to push my true emotions away, and – fortunately? - it worked.

And... when I come to this... what if I wouldn't let you out of that room? What if I would get so close you could feel the heat from my body? I think you could feel it anyway. I could read that in your eyes. You were leaning against the wall, trying to merge into it, but your eyes were still fixed upon mine, except one moment they escaped and reached my lips. Were you waiting for the kiss? I would make your dreams come true. I would press your body with mine and brush your lips. I bet they are sweet and soft. I would carry you to the sofa and put you on it. Oh God, I would undress you and make you mine!! I would cover your milky skin with kisses and make you yearn for more. I would give you such an ecstasy that it would make you cry. I would keep you there forever.

And if your boyfriend came back, I would kill him. He is just a man and I am Sailor Star Fighter, damn it! You wouldn't know about that. You would be waiting for him for the rest of your life... but you would be with me. I bet you'd be so sad and lonely that you'd let me comfort you and take you to Kinmoku to ease your suffering.

I would be dirty forever. I would be the most blameworthy murderer ever existed. My soul wouldn't be pure anymore. Who cares? I am already impure, not stopping those haunting thoughts. It is only in my imagination, but I let my beloved suffer horribly.

I can't help it, Odango. I can't help the fact that rejected love turns into something dark and bad.

Maybe when I see you next time, your innocence and tenderness will make me forget those mean and despicable thoughts. Maybe your purity will wash them away...

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Usagi

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You teased me after school again, you tried to pick me up as always. You took my friendship for granted, because you have never met a girl who'd throw your interest away.

Sometimes I hate you, Seiya. I'm sorry but I can't help it. You went into my life without any warning and you shamelessly took advantage of my boyfriend being far away. Am I unfair? Maybe I am. But I can see your aim is to win my attention. Why is it that way? Why?

You are always near. You knew I need someone to support me and you offered yourself to make me feel calm. You knew I couldn't push you away. Especially after showing to me that vulnerable, gentle side of your personality. How could I refuse the tenderness and love which my heart is yearning for that much?

I can see your smile, your deep dark blue eyes gazing at me with self-confidence as if you proceed according to your plan. Your ebony ponytail swinging on your back; swarm of fan-girls around you like honey-bees. You could have any of them, but you don't want to win anyone too easily, do you? The true challenge is me. The faithful, loyal one with heart focused on someone else, not you. Not you, do you hear me?

If it's not you... why to be angry? Why to be concerned about you? Why not to desert those thoughts like a trash? Why not to recall sweet memories of me and Mamoru being together? Why not to write another letter... and not to receive any answer, damn it!

I can't let myself follow the most secret desires I hold in my mind. I just can't! They are strictly forbidden. I can't let Rei and the others realize my heart responds to your efforts. Haruka would be really mad if she knew how much I miss you. I have never been good at lying and I'm afraid of them already reading my mind. Shit, are they jealous? They ban me from seeing you as if they were my lovers!

Seiya, my heart wants you without my permission. It has its own ways and one of those ways is you. I believed I was completely devoted to Mamoru and my future with him. I have never thought someone can capture my heart so easily. Easily? No. I've struggled so hard not to let you in. I refused to see you, to listen to you, to be with you. But it didn't work.

Actually**,** you are here within me. Did you see that? Did you realize? I hope you did... and I hope you'll never do. It would be such a shame.

Me, considered being so innocent, immature and stupid... That pure me being a traitor?! Everybody would be shocked.

I summon back the memories of us being here, at my home, alone. You insisted on guarding me while my family was away. Chibichibi threw a cake at you and your clothes were sticky all over. Then you went to the bathroom... I heard the water splashing, your bare feet rubbing against the floor. And then... you went out calling me to give you some clean clothes. You had only a towel wrapped around your waist... I didn't want to look, but my eyes went on their own. I had an unknown, hot feeling melting me inside. Something moved deep within my stomach. My breathe stopped. Thanks to God the girls came before something dangerous has happened...

Or curse them...

I can still see you, almost naked, with wet hair and skin... God, how sexy you were... You blushed so lovely when you realized there were so many eyes watching you, and you ran back to the bathroom with Chibichibi trying to pull your towel away...

How lustful, but I can't stop...

I see you there in my mind again, but this time we are really alone. There is no one around. You are going out from the bathroom and approaching me with burning eyes. I am really nervous because I have never seen such a look in man's eyes. Mamoru has never been so hot. You smile gently and put your hand on my shoulder. It feels like an electric shock. My body trembles... We go on and do such things I have never imagined before. Our hearts and bodies unite. Our desires are completely quenched. My soul fills with your love. It is like a star in the darkness, guiding me to the brightest light of love I have ever experienced...

Yes, I am a traitor. Please, forgive me.

We'll meet tomorrow at school. May your cool appearance and devotion to your princess and other Sailor Starlights make me come to my senses and remember my duties as future Queen of NeoTokio, Chibiusa's mother and King Endymion's wife. May your ironic way of teasing girls help me forget those thoughts...

THE END

_Kitsune1978_

_August 2006_


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